Almost all human beings have at one point wished that the world would wait or stop completely for them, for various reasons from the best moment in the world, to moments when you wish you could hide away from everything. The world is a happy and wonderful place, but there are an unlimited number of possibilities that could completely screw it up for any individual. From past experiences, I have learned the hard way about these changes. by having to deal with many problems in my life. I don't expect anyone to read this at all, but I do ask if you take anything from this paragraph, learn to move on from problems, because hiding them won't do nothing but make you worse.
When I was just a little kid, I happily ran around with my friends, pretending I was a robber robbing banks and making risky get-aways in the old truck were the best days of my life. Then grade four came, and everything began to change. My sister and I used to be great friends, and when junior high came around her, she began to change. She found out people didn't accept her for who she really was and I became something she was supposed to hate. We found her warping and twisting to meet peer pressure, and later that year she ended up stealing from people like me, as well as my parents.
Every morning and night there would be a fight, screaming yelling and swearing from both ends. My parents started to lose it, while my sister started smoking pot, drinking tons of alcohol as well as smoking packs of cigarettes a day. Later in my life she would look at my old soccer pictures, and comment how the older I got, the less real my smile looked. It was true in a certain way. It was a frightening experience for me, at that time I still believed in santa and fairness in society. I saw the world differently, as an evil place, full of terrible people which threw me into some troubling thoughts (leading up to me almost every night planning on how to kill my sister.)
As my last years of elementary school rolled by, I continued to think these thoughts and bury them deeper in my open mind. I learned how several drugs were made at the age of 10, as well as got drunk for the first time (sister spiked my drink.) I got a terrible view of women from my sister, I saw all women as "item whores" (meaning to me that they date people/sleep with them for stuff like money, alcohol, phones, etc.) that did nothing but sleep around and worry about things like "how much weed do we have left?" She then started to tear up the family, my parents almost got a divorce, as well as turn many of my parents friends/family against her.
At the ages of 11, I watched my sister tear up one of my birthday presents infront of me after yelling at me without a point. I cried my heart out, till I lost it. That was the last time I cried in four years, unless you count shaking with anger. I found my caring for people disappearing, and replacing it was a cruel angry and twisted figure. To avoid doing something that I would really regret, I decided to inthrall myself in the magical game called World Of Warcraft (an online game filled with people who have given up on life (and the few who haven't but enjoy escaping reality for a while.)) I had no one to talk to, because I was scared of what would happen to me if I told someone, which was a terrible mistake.
For three years I continued to play World of Warcraft, as well as hear about my sister selling crack on the streets (as well as killing people who didn't pay) and getting hardcore into esctacy and cocaine. Later on when she got out of selling, she hung out with a hooker and would smoke crack everyday with the girl, even after she had been raped two or three times.
When I decided I was done with world of warcraft, I realized that I didn't know who I was which was a scary time. The cruel part of me took over, and I made plenty of enemies. People hated me while I continued to raise my "I am better than everyone else" attitude.
When junior high ended for me, I discovered who I had become and was disgusted with myself. I fought hard to maintain control of myself (which to this day I still struggle with) from random and violent outbursts of anger that I had buried for seven years. Think of it this way, try burying a house in a six foot hole; it won't fit not matter how hard you try to jam it into the ground.
I covered it over with the happiest and fun-loving identity I could muster, with much difficulty. When someone would tell a joke, I would have to tell myself that it was funny and that I should be laughing. The world was dull and gray, because everything I saw was negative. People started to like me, I was becoming that type of guy who people enjoyed to be around. I found out that women weren't evil at all, and started dating a wonderful girl.
The world seemed to be blowing up around me, people would tell me their problems, which kept unearthing my anger and hate, until it became almost impossible to hold in. The scariest thing was how people actually believed I was a very happy person, and when I told an old friend of mine (who just happened to be female) everything that happened in my life (I have left out a few details about myself here and there on purpose because I don't think they are important enough to be mentioned) but when I told her, I cracked.
For hours I told her everything, and throughout the whole time I was shaking with rage. That was the first time I had cried in years, and she was absolutely shocked with what I was honestly inside. I understand that people do face worse problems than I had, but I was totally unprepared for what was before me. I am now one month past that, and feeling bad feelings leave. Unfortunately t feels like I have two personalities living inside of me, one the happy nice guy, and the other the twisted angry and perverted side of me. It feels like I have two personalities living inside of me, one the happy nice guy, and the other the twisted angry and perverted side of me. To this day I still find myself fighting the darker side of me, trying to prevent it from taking over. Almost every conversation I have I think of every possible thing that I could say wrong or do wrong, as well as all the things I really would never want to say that are disgusting. It is an awful way to think, and no one should ever have to deal with it.
I realized after 7 years of nothing but confusion, as well as grudges in time do pass. The world never stopped for me so I could catch up to it, instead I fell way behind. If you have read this far, I want to thank you for reading my life story, and to learn from my mistakes to NOT bottle anger and hate up, as well as to learn that the world will keep on spinning, no matter how down on the world you are. Be happy, think some excellent things that have happened, and do not dwell on things that will screw you up even more.
My name is Russ, and I am 15 years old.
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